I wish I could teleport
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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