you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
