well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
