he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
