I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
