Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
