I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
