hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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