I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
