sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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