Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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