I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
