Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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