I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
