Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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