The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
