He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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