so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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