I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
