I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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