How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
