ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
