I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Success! We fucked roommates!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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