The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
