i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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