Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
