I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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