just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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