people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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