Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
