On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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