She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
