Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
