Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
