the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Congratulations! We have a period
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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