my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
