gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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