Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
