Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
