I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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