Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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