I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
