The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
