the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
