The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
