Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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