took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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