My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
