I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Someone signed my nipple.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
