There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
how drunk are you?
Several
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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