I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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