I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
