I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
