I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
